Only Miriam

   

It is a hard thing for me to think again on the first time I saw Jesus. Things are so different now, I myself have so changed, that I shrink from what once was. 

  In my life, the rhythm of His step was so different from other men’s; ordinary men do not pace the earth in His manner.

  It was late afternoon and many shouted with pointed finger as they drug me through the streets that day. Some raised their hand in scorn among the murmurs of disdain. They dragged me toward Him but at that moment I already hated this Rabbi, for I was set to be judged. I felt so cold and I shivered.  But He did not turn His face toward me; He did not look at me.  

  He sat in the shadow of a Cypress tree within the temple court.  Many surrounded Him, many were there to view my shame. He stood as they dropped me into His presence.  He was as still as if He had been carved out of stone; like the statues in Antioch. I waited. Then, He looked at me and my soul quivered within. It was as if I had no secrets. I was afraid to meet His eyes.

My accusers then brought condemnation upon me, for all to hear, and I tried to bury my head in the stony floor. But there was something about His manner; I cannot say whether it was my aloneness, or His strength that drew me to Him. There was a kind of tenderness about Him. The crowd closed in around and terror seized me once again as I hungered for a hiding place, away from the angry, accusing voices. But He was still.  I curled myself up even tighter than before, as I waited.  But still no words came from him. So many eyes, so many faces. I was trapped with no hope of escape. Then He stooped beside me and began writing on the dusty floor.  The shouting slowly grew more quiet. Straightening to face the restless crowd, and with a voice so full of power, He said “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.” And then He stooped again beside me and continued to write. I was trembling with a fear I had never known as I waited for the first stone to strike.

  I could hear the feet of those in the crowd shuffling away.  All the shouting voices were now silent as one by one, they left His presence.  I held my head and my breath for what seemed like an eternity when I heard Him speak to me. “Woman, where art thine accusers? Hath no man condemned thee?”

I opened my eyes to see we were alone and I was astonished! Turning back to Him I softly answered, “No man, Lord.” Then He said, “Neither do I condemn thee: Go, and sin no more.”

As I stood, I remained fixated on His eyes.  I stared at Him with unbelief. I searched for words; words of gratitude. Finding none I said, “Will you not come to my house?” and He said,  “Am I not already in your house Miriam?”

I did not know what He meant then, but I know now.

But at that time, I asked again, “Will you not have wine and bread with me?”

And He said, “Yes Miriam, but not now.”

Not now, not now, He said.

The voice of the sea were in those two words and the voice of the wind in the trees. When He said them unto me, life spoke to death. For mind you, my friend, in truth I was dead.

I was a woman who had divorced my own soul. I was living apart from this self which you now see. I belonged to all men, and yet to none. They called me harlot, and a woman possessed of seven devils. I was cursed and I was envied. When He looked at me that day, all the darkness of my night faded away, and I became Miriam, only Miriam, a woman lost to the earth she had once known, and finding herself in new places.

"You have many lovers," He said, "and yet I alone love you.  Other men love themselves in your nearness. I love you for yourself. Other men see a beauty in you that shall fade away sooner than their own years. But I see in you a beauty that shall not fade away.  And in the autumn of your days, that beauty will not be afraid to gaze at itself in the mirror, and it shall not be offended.”

               “I alone love the unseen in you."

                I cried "Master"

                And He smiled.

                And then He walked away.

                But no other man ever walked the way He                                   walked.

                And on that day, He slew the dragon within me, and my only desire was to follow. Thus it was, and thus it is today. For you see, I know now what it means to have Jesus in my house.

Adaptation from Khalil Gabran's writings

 Based on John 8:1-12